


Naomi

by GetMcDunkedOn, tluthal



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Gen, M/M, loving mockery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-20 22:03:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19385497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GetMcDunkedOn/pseuds/GetMcDunkedOn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tluthal/pseuds/tluthal
Summary: A series of shorts based on the excellent fic Burlesque. Naomi, an original characters completely unrelated to the fic itself, and her encounters with the cast.





	1. Gossip

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kamari333](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamari333/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Burlesque (Uncensored)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15372225) by [Kamari333](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamari333/pseuds/Kamari333). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Parp!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15372225/chapters/38793248)

"naaaaooomiiiiii, gyaru-hime was back today and oh my fuck. one of the watermelon dudes was there and she just dropped everything to hit on him, so i had to rescue him - apparently he has a cat? poor dude looked like he wanted to melt into the floor. and i mean, it's the one who looks like a fuckin shit dressed mob boss, so that was a _thing_." Rebel leaned against the wall of their barebones, barely furnished apartment and smiled when the giant black mass of their ridiculously large cat came over to demand a tribute of pets. 

“Oh my god. I saw them. I have a hell of a story to tell you. Okay are you ready? This is insane.”

"oh boy, spill that tea~" They got comfortable, settling in for a scritch and bitch. 

“So I was walking at the park the other day, right. Turns out the local high school had this fair going on. It was pretty cool. And there was the school band playing, right. So I was just wandering the booths and going towards the band, and I saw this woman that I _think_ fits your description. She had like, a real jiggly shirt on you know? Like she was lookin’ to seduce a man. Or woman. Or enby. Someone. She was gonna use those boobs if you know what I mean. And she was walking _right_ for the band. Found the big dude there. Grilling stuff? Get ready ‘cause this is about to get really good.”

"aw maaan i missed a fair? titbiscuits. stupid work feeding the cat and putting a roof over my head, weh. that sounds about like her, my body is ready." 

“Alright, so, this lady comes up to the mafia dude, and she just talks to him for a bit, but then! Then she does the _move_. She just… leeeaaans over, shows off _all_ the damn boob. And he’s completely oblivious! He just keeps responding to whatever, all curt, he doesn’t even _notice_! She keeps pressing and pressing and it’s not until she’s got her hand on his arm that he’s like ‘oh shit, she’s propositioning me.’ I don’t know what the fuck they were talking about but long story short, that guy is gayer than a rainbow shooting out of a unicorn’s ass. On a flag. Marching down the Pride Parade. The guy just don’t care about boobs.”

"aw man, he's fuckin cute too. did he slap her or what? she kinda deserved it, i gotta remember to make sure everything weighs up under so her recipes fuck up." They squirmed around, flopping on their stomach and tugging their laptop over, sacrificing their back to become a cat bed. 

"No! Here's the thing! The other two came along! And the one dude just hissed something out about he's got a boyfriend. Then the sultry one just touches his arm and… IT WAS SO GAY OKAY? GOD. I wish I'd written it."

"oh my fuuuuuck, that's adorable! they're a cute gay polycule?" Tiny scream. "maaaan i can't believe i missed it!" 


	2. Selling Sails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edge makes a purchase for his brother's birthday. Indulgences happen.

It was a windy, slightly chilly day. Naomi didn’t much mind this kind of cold. She had a nice black jacket that was comfy and looked good for days like this, and it was always nice having an excuse to look pretty. She sat in front of the local bookstore, a table set up in front of her, her most recent novel set up in stacks, and a cheery ~meet the author~ sign in the center. A clipboard with an email list sat in front of that, and she had her hands laced together on the table directly in front of her, smiling, friendly and inviting. Somehow, if she smiled in just the right way, she always managed to draw people in, make them ask about her book, bemusedly write their name and email on the clipboard, even if they didn’t buy the book. It was flattering. They must’ve just thought her attractive, or something.

 

She was just counting out the change for a teenager who was quickly becoming an avid fan, when the poor girl suddenly squeaked and darted off without her five dollars in singles. Naomi watched her go curiously, tucking the singles back into her little box. Well… if that meant keep the change, then-

 

“EXCUSE ME.”

 

_ Squeak!  _ She jumped a little, snapping her gaze over to the other side of her table. A tall, very tall skeleton stood there, one of her books in his hand. He raised a brow at her response, and she cleared her throat before throwing on her usual smile. It didn’t matter that he was a tall, maybe scary man. He was a potential customer, after all.

 

“Yes sir, have you read any of my books before?”

 

“I BELIEVE I MIGHT HAVE, YOUR NAME IS FAMILIAR TO ME.”

 

“Oh, well, I’m the author of two other books so far, this is my best one yet, I think. Maybe you’ve read  In the Deep Waters ?”

 

“YES, THAT IS THE ONE. IT WAS QUITE FANTASTIC. I’VE LOANED IT TO MY BROTHER. HOWEVER, HIS BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP SOON, SO I MUST GET HIM SOMETHING.”

 

“Oh, well, I think you’ll like this one!  Ships in the Night came from a burst of inspiration I got just a few months ago. I poured quite a bit into this book for a short time. It was a bit of a leap, publishing it so quickly, but…” A nervous smile. “People seem to like it.”

 

“SO I SEE.”

 

He wasn’t very talkative, was he? Naomi fidgeted with her fingers under the table as he read the back, then flipped it open to skim through some of the middle.

 

“YOU HAVE A UNIQUE TAKE ON LANGUAGE,” he said, offhanded, like it was a perfectly normal thing to say. She flushed, looking up at him in surprise.

 

“Oh… Thank you! I really appreciate that. Um, would you like to sign up for emails from my website? They mention sales and merchandise, and sometimes there are hints from my next book that I like to put up.”

 

“VERY WELL.” He put the book down and picked up the pen. Naomi watched him write. It looked like… it was in all uppercase? And it might’ve even be some specific kind of font. She looked back up at him and smiled again. He looked so harsh, so disdainfully quiet, but there seemed to be something almost soft for just a moment, when he looked back up. Then he picked up a book and was all business again, stern expression back in place.

 

“HOW MUCH?”

 

“$20 for a regular copy, an extra 5 if you want me to sign it.”

 

“25 SEEMS REASONABLE. VERY WELL, PLEASE MAKE IT OUT TO…”

 

He paused holding out the book, and Naomi took it, pen poised, waiting. After a moment, he picked up another and set it down in front of her.

 

“I MIGHT AS WELL READ IT TOO. MAKE ONE OUT TO RED, AND THE OTHER TO EDGE.”

 

“Red and Edge, okay, you want it to say anything specific?”

 

“MAKE THE ONE SAY ‘TO THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE.’ FOR THE OTHER ONE, TELL MY BROTHER YOU KNOW HE’S A DORK. CAN YOU DRAW GOOGLY EYES??”

 

She resisted the urge to snort and did as she was instructed. For the one addressed to ‘Red,’ she wrote ‘I hope this book brings a small bit of joy to your life, you dork. Your brother made me say that.’ Carefully drawn googly eyes, then she delicately closed each book.

 

“Fifty dollars, please.”

 

She was handed an actual fifty dollar bill. Shocked, she took it and held it up to the light, trying to see if it might be counterfeit.

 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

 

“Uh… I’ve never been given a fifty dollar bill before.”

 

“IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT?”

 

“Well… no… I don’t think so… I wasn’t, um, trying to imply you’d use counterfeit money, but…”

 

“OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE DESPICABLE.”

 

“Hehe, uh, yeah. No, it’s fine. Thank you.”

 

“THANK YOU FOR THE BOOKS.”

 

He took them and walked off, and Naomi was left feeling like she’d just gotten off a roller coaster.


	3. In Defense of Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a very, very brief mention of incest. I don't think it's worth tagging - particularly as I don't want someone coming here looking for it - but if anyone's particularly upset about it I can do so on request.

“naomi, naomi oh my unholy fuck, i met the second-worst skeleton today. oh. my. fuck.”

“The second worst, huh? Who’s he second to? Also do tell.” Naomi flopped onto her cousin’s bed face first, then settled her chin on her forearms, looking up with a curious expression.

“oh, have i not told you about the twit who lost his fucking pants in my meat locker?” Rebel groaned and rolled onto their back, sprawled mostly upside-down in the beat to shit armchair they’d recently acquired. Dramatic arm across their eyes! Look at the drama!

“Oh, oh right, that jerk. Alright, so this guy’s almost as bad, huh? What’d he do? Take his shirt off in public or something else gross?”

“honestly that would probably have been easier to deal with! no, no, guy came in demanding ‘sniffle boxes’ at the top of his lungs, like--”

“What the hell are ‘sniffle… boxes?’” Naomi interrupted, quirking a brow.

“--that was my question too.” Rebel shifted a little, hooking their legs over the back of the chair and tugging on the hem of their shirt. “he meant kleenexes, y’know, tissue boxes? and it would’ve maybe been cute but like, the guy was just...” They reached out ahead of themself, grasping at the air like they could tear the words from the grasp of reality itself.

“I never call them kleenex, you’re weird.” A playful tongue stuck out. “Tissues, got it.”

“meh! dude musta been seven feet tall in bitch heels and looked like he lost a fight with a thresher, and just, just being near the dude was like being in the room with murphy,” The name was spat out like a curse, “in a snit.”

“Oh, geez.” She winced. “So he was that kind of person…” An uncomfortable shift. Naomi didn’t like being around angry men either, though she didn’t exactly have the same rationale for it. “Geez, why do you always get the weirdos? So what’d you do?”

“told him where i thought the tissues were, then made jake watch the counter. i might have hidden in the back to get soap when he came back.” It was hard to shrug upside down, but they tried.

“That’s the other question, why would he ask meat for that? What the hell. Wait… you say this guy was a tall, angry-ish skeleton…?”

“i dunno, all the fuckin’ monsters come to meat and will like, actually ask for me? especially the skeletons, i have met so many skeletons...” They sighed, then blinked. “yeah? gotta scar on his face like he tried to headbutt one of those farm machines with the massive discs that can take your hand off if you’re not careful?”

“Oh my god, i know that guy!” She sat up, excited now. “He scared the patootie out of me at first! But he’s actually kinda nice.”

“wait, seriously?” Rebel leveraged themself up, clawing at the arms of the chair and twisting awkwardly until they could get a leg under themself and flip around to sit properly, leaning forward.

“Yeah! He bought one of my- well, actually, he bought two copies. But he bought my most recent book! I met him out on the corner in front of the bookstore where I was set up, right? He marched right up to me and started reading the back side of the book. He asked me a few questions and talked to me a little. Then he was about to buy one when he stopped for a minute and was all like ‘WHAT THE HELL, I’LL BUY TWO COPIES.’” She pitched her voice up to try and match his voice. “One was for himself, the other for his brother. He made me draw googly eyes.”

“his brother huh? wonder which of the fuckos it is. bet it’s like, mr. aster, they seem like a matched pai-- googly eyes. googly eyes. wait, mr. aster’s bro is the pantsless wonder’s boyfriend, nevermind.”

“Hmm… That rough guy, right? With the gold tooth? That would make sense… That guy is into romance novels? That’s kinda… sweet. They’re so tough-looking but the one guy’s got two datemates and they both love love. Cute.”

“mr. aster is the tiny lawyer who buys like 15 pounds of our scrap grinds every week.” Rebel snorted. “i think that’s like... booby lady called him mr. serif i think? that would be pretty cute, i guess they do look like they grew up together. huh.”

“Oh, the lawyer? Nooo, I don’t think they’re related. I mean… they do look similar… but can you imagine those two personalities together as siblings? God, the fights they’d get into. Nah, I don’t think so.”

“sounds like you’ve got a new set of characters!” They snickered at her. “you’re not fuckin wrong though, they’d be heard two floors down. they act like goddamn twins though.”

“Hehe, they do. Fraternal twins? Mm, it would make for interesting characters… Maybe they’re both going after the same person… Oooh… I do have ideas! Ahhh, I wonder if this is a bad idea, though. What if the tall dude reads it and realizes I took inspiration from him? Would he be mad, you think?”

“i mean, don’t make them calcium elementals and don’t take obvious inspiration from their actual appearances and you can get away with a lot. it’d be a fairly unique twist on the twins with the same bae trope anyways.” They smirked.

“Well, I mean, yeah, clearly they’d be much better off as some other kind of elementals. Probably fire, though I think big guy could do alright as an earth dude. And I’d only keep the basic gist of a tall man and a short man, and they’re twins but you only see it in personality. That would be interesting. Maybe they’re both chasing after someone airy, trying to get them to come down to earth a bit, take things more seriously. Maybe neither of them are sure they’re in love at first, and maybe even try to work together, until their feelings come out in the light and the challenge is on, ohh, this is gonna be great!” She pulled out a notebook and started scribbling down ideas.

Rebel cackled. “okay, okay, but but poly, you were just talking about how you saw the gayest damn thing and wanted to write it--”

“That’s incest, Jenni, that’s a bit of a taboo thing to have, I’d have to get it just right-” She wasn’t saying no, though.

“point taken... maybe soulmates instead of twins? that way you’ve got the personality stuff going already, but they thought they were platonic at first?”

“Ooo, platonic soulmates becoming romantic over a third, now that’s a trope I can get behind, I like this, oh man, I’ve got lots of scenes going in my head already~” She kept writing, her handwriting getting worse as she got faster. “I hope I can read this later, geez.”

“do you wanna like, borrow mel so you can type it up?” Rebel smiled indulgently.

“Oh, yes please, he’s got the best spellcheck ever too. I hate the spellchecker on my computer it’s so picky!”

“i know he does~” Rebel smirked, grabbing their laptop and chirping a command before handing it over. Text processor is already up and waiting.


End file.
